HORNY COWS ARE HAPPY COWS... And happy cows just taste better! That's a proven fact. At KISS BURGER we only use meat from cows raised on our very own KISS RANCH located in Calabasas, CA. Why are our cows so happy? Our KISS KATTLE are allowed to roam freely on 200 acres of God's green earth all the while enjoying KISS music and videos 24/7 on a state-of-the-art media system. And promiscuity is greatly encouraged. Our cows and bulls are massaged daily by Thai hookers and fed a steady diet of rich whole grains, Spanish Fly and a small does of street-grade PCP. Trust me, I don't condone drugs - and I never even had a sip of alcohol in my entire life - but there is something about this PCP that kicks the flavor up a notch. The end justifies the means. Remember our cows are slaughtered in a very friendly Kosher style. One minute they're watching "Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park" in the barn, the next they're in twenty pieces in a meat truck. They never see it coming. Before the angry letters arrive, let's clear one thing up. All you tree-hugging hippy vegans can eat my Demon Dong. You hypocrites have no problem dancing across a field in gnarly sandals to some LSD-soaked jam band, all the while trampling thousands of ants to death in the process. I guess an "Insect Holocaust" is acceptable, but God forbid some decent hard-working people get a great burger at a great price. You know the saying: "If God didn't want us to eat cows, he wouldn't have made them out of hamburger meat!" <-- HOME                                         NEXT -->